birthday 911
“Hello, is this the RCMP?”
“Yes. What do you want? “
“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood. “
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike’s house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.
They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and they left.
The next day, the phone rang at Mike’s house…
“Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy
border crossing
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.
The guard says,”We’ll just see about that ~ get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bagsand rips them apart;he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day
and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
cyanide cure
The lady enters a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!” Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
secret career
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn’t seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a “burnout” in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. “Pete, it’s Joe. From high school. It’s sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.”
“I am,” whispered Pete. “I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don’t tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.“