Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!
subject: teacher arrested
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. Th FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangent! s in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.! As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle.'”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
The Carters got a surprise in the mail one morning – two tickets to a top West End show, along with a note that read: ‘Guess who these are from!” By the time they went off to see the show, they still had no idea who could have sent them. When they got home they discovered that the house had been ransacked – the TV, video, hi-fi, computer all gone. And there on the kitchen table was another note that read: ‘Now you know!
Police Office Smith prodded at a young couple in making out in the middle of the country road in broad daylight. “Here now,” he said, “What’s all this?” The young man looked up blinking and said, “Oh hello, Officer. I have something wrong with the transmission. I am trying to fix it and my girl friend is helping me.
Officer Smith asked, “What transmission are you talking about?” The young man looked about in astonishment and then cried out, “Good heavens, Mary! Someone has stolen our car!
Did you hear about the secret agent who had to spend a whole weekend rewriting his report because he hadn’t realized he’d run out of invisible ink
Suddenly there was a gunshot. He fell to the ground. I ran up to him and examined him. There were no bullet holes. No bullet holes? Obviously this was an inside job
the tide turns
Below is an alleged letter sent to the makers of Tide Detergent by a housewife:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was, and generally became a real pain in the ass.
One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with his blood on my
new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out of my blouse, the rug and the floor!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and
then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going
through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go,
I want to write to the Hefty bag people.
My uncle had the shortest will ever. It read, ‘Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered “Call for backup.”
A condemned spy was being led out at dawn to the wall against which he was to be shot at sunrise. It was raining with ferocious intensity. On either side of him was a line of soldiers and to one of them the condemned spy said bitterly, “What beasts you all are to march me out to be shot in the rain like this.”
And the soldier replied with equal bitterness. “What are you complaining about? We’ve got to march back.
do the math
There is a tale concerning Sherlock Holmes and Watson on board a train. They pass a herd of sheep and Watson said, “A sizable herd, Holmes, eh?”
“Exactly seven hundred-eighty-four in number, my dear Watson,” said Holmes sleepily.
“Good heavens, Holmes,” said Watson, “Surely you can’t have counted them.”
“Not directly,” said Holmes. “I made use of a simple trick any school child knows. I merely counted the legs and divided by four.
prison vs full time job
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.