heir today, gone tomorrow
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
“I’m just an ordinary man” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with.” The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother
Disorder in the American courts
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
Q: The youngest son, the twenty year-old, how old is he?
***
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
honestY – Best policy?
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’
The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear– you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine..’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
‘Only when he’s been drinking!’ ”