Funniest Mystery Jokes Ever!

Best collection of Mystery Jokes ever!  Well … what else are we going to say?  Thanks for visiting and hope you enjoy our collection of jokes; some corny, some cleaver, whatever it takes to put a smile on your face.

Poached or Pets?

A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters.

The Warden walks up to the man, flashes his badge and says, “You’re in big trouble, buddy. Poaching lobsters is a serious offense.”

The man answers, “You’ve got it all wrong, these lobsters are my pets! Every morning I take them out for some exercise. I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes and then whistle them back in.”

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Telemarket Murder

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, “Is this Karl Brummer”?
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.
Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, “Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears.”
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

 poor man’s security system

(Not sure why a poor man would need a security system but anyways… )
1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men’s used work boots – a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it – a really big dog dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like “Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition – back in an hour. Don’t disturb the Pitbulls, they are real mad, they’ve just been castrated.”

On duty

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
“You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Oh yes dear, what happened ?”
“I came across two guys down by the canal “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!”
“What did you do with them ?”
He replied: “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

Masked Man

“I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.”  James H. Boren

 

 

 

fortune teller

While visiting a big city, Betsy, who suspected her husband of cheating on her snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Betsy stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?

Sir Winston Churchill
& Lady Astor

Lady Astor:  “Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffee with poison.”
Churchill:     “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”