BIRTHDAY 911
“Hello, is this the RCMP?”
“Yes. What do you want? ”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood. ”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike’s house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.
They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and they left.
The next day, the phone rang at Mike’s house…
“Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy ”
TELEMARKETER MURDER
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, “Is this Karl Brummer”?
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.
Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, “Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears.”
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
HOW TO INSTALL A POOR MAN’S SECURITY SYSTEM
(Not sure why a poor man would need a security system but anyways… )
1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men’s used work boots – a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it – a really big dog dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like “Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition – back in an hour. Don’t disturb the Pitbulls, they are real mad, they’ve just been castrated.”
ON DUTY
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
“You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Oh yes dear, what happened ?”
“I came across two guys down by the canal “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!”
“What did you do with them ?”
He replied: “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”
FORTUNE TELLER
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”
DO UNTO OTHERS
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ”I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ”Follow me.” The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ”Thanks so much,” says the theatergoer, ”This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ”The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.”
Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?
STOLEN CREDIT CARD
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than he did.
YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
DID YOU KILL THE VICTIM
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!
SNEAKY LAWYER
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.’
‘Well put, ‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
JURY CANDIDATE
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’”
“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him!”
Needless to say, she wasn’t selected for the jury.
SECRET CAREER
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn’t seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a “burnout” in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. “Pete, it’s Joe. From high school. It’s sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.”
“I am,” whispered Pete. “I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don’t tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.”
HONEST
“A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’
The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear– you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine..’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
‘Only when he’s been drinking!’ ”
SHERLOCK HOLMES
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some ——- has stolen our tent.”
PRISON VS FULL TIME JOB
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.